Frightened of my identity

"It's not the baby birds that are thrown out of the nest by their parents and made to fly; it's the parents who are made to get out of cozy family nest by their teenage offspring. It's we who are made to be independent of them, crash-landing if we don't manage it."

 The crash is  not having a identity outside of being a parent. At least that is where I'm at now.

For those of you who didn't know, Gage moved out. It wasn't a bad thing. He was just ready to do what he felt he needed to do to move forward in his life. I may not agree with all his choices. But I trust him to think about what he chooses before he jumps. He'll never stop taking chances and risking failure, and I am very proud of him for that as well as strive to adopt a little of his faith.

That being said. His moving forward has shaken my world to a place of paralyzing confusion. Over the last few years I've emotionally adopted three young women as my daughters (I've always regretted not trying for another child). Two moved on to college; the third, well, lets just say circumstances and choices made it impossible for me to be apart of her life. But the point is all of my "children" have moved on in a two year span. So it is safe to say that I am experiencing  that age old  condition called Empty Nest. Since I am a big drama queen; I'm in deep!

Me thinketh it to be something more however.                                           

 Nineteen years now I have not had to question who I am. I am Gage's mom, and for 17 years a single mom. My choices have been limited. My path chosen for me by circumstances. The only risk I've taken in all this time is moving back to Oregon. I know that I will always be a mother. But the day to day responsibility of having under age children is done. What does this mean? I find myself stripped of my identity. In complete honesty, I can no longer hide from who I might be.

You see, I've used the safety net of being a single mom as an excuse to hide from who or what a very small part of me might be. In my most vulnerable moments I allowed my self to get a glimpse of who I might be. I would quickly shut that thought down. Because  I have a deep fear of who I might be will cost me everything. So I've safely kept myself  hidden from who God may or may not have created me to be. Freedom, it seems, is too painful to achieve. At least that is how I've lived my life for a long time.

But God loves me too much to allow me to keep myself in my self imposed prison of fear. Huge changes are just past the threshold of my prison doors. Big choices insist on being made. I wish I could say who it is I think I am. But I'm not sure of my self right now. So I will continue to talk to God about it, and ask that he give me the courage to walk through and grasp the freedom that He so desperately wants for me.

I know this sounds very depressing (don't forget I admitted to being a drama queen), and that it may seem that I may be in a bad place. That's just not the case. Yes. I may be deep in fear. But I have to be completely broken to the point of being shattered to rebuild the strong fortress that is meant only for me. I may fear the future, but at the same time I am excited that I am on the path of becoming whole. This place I'm at is a place of healing.  I thank you Father for being the one constant foundation

                                                                                                               

"Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me"

PS. I am very proud of my Son, and Gage Reno, you are my inspiration. I love you.  

Torn

What a week. Last week was such a amazing week. It seemed that blessing after blessing just pored in. I hadn't let a future event create so much anticipation, excitement, and hope in... well ever. This week, it all fell through. Disappointed is definitely a understatement. The stinking Bible quiz meet even got canceled (admittedly a bit of a blessing).

Yesterday I fired the new gas kiln at the college. We were all expecting the fire to be efficient and much quicker. Ya.... didn't happen. It did really well up to cone 6, and then stopped! It just hung there teasing me! At 8:30pm (we started it at 8:45am) I gave up and called a instructor who knows much more than me. She came up and we were able to get the cone 9s to drop (we needed to drop the cone 10) at 11:30 PM!! Another anti-climatic disappointment.

So what you ask. God has been talking about my feelings and emotions. They aren't bad. It's what we do with them that are bad. Some were in Deuteronomy God told the Israelites that they had "dwelled at this mountain enough". I definitely make mountains out of my feelings. I let my feelings affect my life, and the people around me in a bad way.

So I guess I will have to go back to the tried and true truth. God loves me. He has the best plans for me, and if I let him he will put them into effect. I am His precious beloved. The coolest thing is that truth is beginning to be easier to move beyond choosing and to believing/living.

Why we chose a charter school

This was something I wrote in response to a homeschooling e-mailing groups mini debate on choosing to enter back into the public school system. I think the you know what may be flying and I turned on the fan with my response. Enjoy.

Thank you for the all articles from the Ocean Network. These are articles that I have already read, as well as others from different sources from both opinions, when I was researching what alternatives were available to me.

I feel compelled to share a little of what brought me to my decision to enroll my son in a charter school. I pulled my son out of public school after the second grade (he is now a sophomore). I did not do so because I was un-happy with the public school district. We were pretty fortunate in the fact that the last two years of my son’s public school teachers happened to be a very godly man and then a godly woman. One of who happened to be an elder of our Church. I chose to home school because of the educational success rate of doing so, and because I could include biblical principals in the curriculum we chose. My son did very well. I will never regret choosing to home school.

Home schooling now, however, has brought on new and difficult challenges. I am a single parent not receiving any help from any sources including the government. I have had to take on three different part time jobs just to make it. At first my son did pretty ok with me working more, and me going to school myself. Joe and Lynn were able to help out a great deal at first. But have been unable to this year being what God has them doing.

So my choices. 1.Put him back into a traditional public school… No way. The Madras School district is awful to begin with, and I love the fact that my son has been free to be a kid without the pressure of making wrong damaging choices. 2. Private Christian School…. Remember, I am a single mom living on very little resources. 3. Hire a private tutor to essentially do what I can no longer do…. Again, no resources. 4. Let him continue to learn on his own with out having someone there to help with the subjects he was needing help in….. Not a good idea. He was falling behind. 5. Look into a charter school…. So began my research. I went to informational meetings, talked to some of my profs, did extensive research, and most importantly prayed and prayed and prayed.

Then I found out about a new charter school in Redmond. I will not go into great detail about the school. I’ll provide the link so that you can look at it if your so inclined. RPA’s goal on education come closest to what I feel is essential for my son’s educational future. No, Christian based curriculum is not provided. That’s ok with me even preferred. God has put me in charge of teaching my son about Christ. Not the government. I will admit I am a little worried about being a first year family of a first of it’s kind school. But I trust God will lead not matter what.

I do wish I could continue to home school my son. That just isn’t possible right now. I haven’t “given up when the going got tuff”. It wasn’t all that easy for the last eight years that I home schooled. Public schools are essentially just another government run social program. There is a need for public schools for the families or individual that either can’t or shouldn’t home school. But like any other social program, there wouldn’t be a need if only we as God’s people did what the Bible commands. That is to take care of each other. Please excuse me for being respectfully frank when I say that the home schooling community in this area, or rather the Christian home schooling circle, has been very exclusive, and my son and I just haven’t fit in. There doesn’t seem to be a place for broken families who are just trying to follow and love God. We just aren’t welcome into most people’s misconception of what a Biblical family is. My son and I seem to endanger that ideal. That’s ok. We all need to do what we feel God is calling us to do.

Because of that I will not make decisions on my son’s future based on political rhetoric no matter what side it comes from. Nor will I make decisions on my son’s future based on fear. Rather, I choose to trust the Alpha and Omega, My Father and Savior, my Christ. He is bigger than all this and I trust him with my son.

Sorry about the lengthiness. Here is that link: http://rpacademy.org/