Frightened of my identity

"It's not the baby birds that are thrown out of the nest by their parents and made to fly; it's the parents who are made to get out of cozy family nest by their teenage offspring. It's we who are made to be independent of them, crash-landing if we don't manage it."

 The crash is  not having a identity outside of being a parent. At least that is where I'm at now.

For those of you who didn't know, Gage moved out. It wasn't a bad thing. He was just ready to do what he felt he needed to do to move forward in his life. I may not agree with all his choices. But I trust him to think about what he chooses before he jumps. He'll never stop taking chances and risking failure, and I am very proud of him for that as well as strive to adopt a little of his faith.

That being said. His moving forward has shaken my world to a place of paralyzing confusion. Over the last few years I've emotionally adopted three young women as my daughters (I've always regretted not trying for another child). Two moved on to college; the third, well, lets just say circumstances and choices made it impossible for me to be apart of her life. But the point is all of my "children" have moved on in a two year span. So it is safe to say that I am experiencing  that age old  condition called Empty Nest. Since I am a big drama queen; I'm in deep!

Me thinketh it to be something more however.                                           

 Nineteen years now I have not had to question who I am. I am Gage's mom, and for 17 years a single mom. My choices have been limited. My path chosen for me by circumstances. The only risk I've taken in all this time is moving back to Oregon. I know that I will always be a mother. But the day to day responsibility of having under age children is done. What does this mean? I find myself stripped of my identity. In complete honesty, I can no longer hide from who I might be.

You see, I've used the safety net of being a single mom as an excuse to hide from who or what a very small part of me might be. In my most vulnerable moments I allowed my self to get a glimpse of who I might be. I would quickly shut that thought down. Because  I have a deep fear of who I might be will cost me everything. So I've safely kept myself  hidden from who God may or may not have created me to be. Freedom, it seems, is too painful to achieve. At least that is how I've lived my life for a long time.

But God loves me too much to allow me to keep myself in my self imposed prison of fear. Huge changes are just past the threshold of my prison doors. Big choices insist on being made. I wish I could say who it is I think I am. But I'm not sure of my self right now. So I will continue to talk to God about it, and ask that he give me the courage to walk through and grasp the freedom that He so desperately wants for me.

I know this sounds very depressing (don't forget I admitted to being a drama queen), and that it may seem that I may be in a bad place. That's just not the case. Yes. I may be deep in fear. But I have to be completely broken to the point of being shattered to rebuild the strong fortress that is meant only for me. I may fear the future, but at the same time I am excited that I am on the path of becoming whole. This place I'm at is a place of healing.  I thank you Father for being the one constant foundation

                                                                                                               

"Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me"

PS. I am very proud of my Son, and Gage Reno, you are my inspiration. I love you.